Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I was a ghost on "Ghost Whisperer" the first thing I would ask Jennifer Love Hewitt is "are those real?".

   I didn't quite understand the intervention I just had. What's the point of telling me I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place

   Its amazing how the people with no real job always have weed on them everytime

   Bringing babies on a 7 hours flight should not be allowed.

   The one thing you don't read about Helen Keller is how everybody blamed farts on her.

   If my dad were alive today he would say, "Stop telling people I'm dead".

   Hey kids you may think you are cool playing your music loud, but face the facts. You were probably conceived during a commercial during Melrose Place

   You should always be honest and tell a woman if she's got a mediocre pu$$y. It only makes her try harder next time.

   That annoying moment when two people start a conversation on YOUR Facebook status.

   Trying to read a cartoon character's lips is the most frustrating thing ever

   A burp is just a fart that took the elevator.

   That panic moment when she asks, "is it in?" when it has been in for the past minute. FML

   It's called Facebook not Boobbook. So next time try to get your face in the picture too?

   in the stickiest situation ive been stuck in since Sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun.

   If your father never hugged you as a child then Rugby is the perfect sport for you.

   Falling in love is like falling down when you drunk or high...u dont feel the pain until the magical effect is gone..

   That great feeling when the girl comes back to you hurt and crying after choosing the "jerk" instead of you.. I'm sorry but I told you so..

   Its called the Fast Lane, NOT the Speed Limit Lane, so move over!

   I used to have a job where I crushed aluminum cans all day. worst job ever....soda pressing.

   I heard dogs can detect cancer in humans. I think they can also detect STDs because they always sniff my junk, I mean my friend's junk.