Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Joe B. to wife: I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.

   As chickens are descended from dinosaurs, dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets must be the ultimate mockery of what their lineage has become.

   You know 2020 is laughing at you when it tells you that Stormy Daniels collected more money from Trump, in 2016, than the IRS.

   Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first. For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.

   People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.

   In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead

   Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.

   My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier. So I’ve got that going for me.

   If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.

   Me (sobbing): It’s just so unfair. Husband: Do we have to go through this every year? Move the sundresses to the back of the closet and stop being so dramatic.

   At this point in my marriage, showering together is just a convenient way to check for ticks.

   To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.

   A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.

   I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

   it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed

   It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me

   Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.

   sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”

   My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.

   I just threatened to stick my toes in my husband’s beer in case you thought I’m normal in person.