Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I go to the club and get guys trashed so I can take their girlfriends home.

   made a "One Night Stand Kit" to give women who I have slept with ,, which includes a prepaid cellphone, toothbrush, and enough money for cab fare.

   ""When people cut you down. Or talk behind your back. remember they took time out of their pathetic lives, To think about you.""

   Shouldn't you have to pass a urine test to collect a welfare check, since I have to pass one to earn it for you?

   You can do nice things for people all the time & they never notice.But once you make one mistake, its never forgotten.

   Yay Ground hogs day is on TV. Yay ground hogs day is on TV.

   I bet the people that are posting all the funny new Super Bowl Ads days before the game are the same people that post info about a new movie they just saw. Thus spoiling it for the rest of us.

   I lose interest in books and movies that take place in the past because, hello, I know I turn out just fine.

   Single awareness day approaches :/

   Zumba will fade away just like Jazzercise and all the others.

   Because of texting, todays generation has no idea of the horror felt when get caught passing a note in class and having the teacher make you read it out loud!

   I never went to bed with an ugly woman, but I woke up with quite a few.

   You sing in a local bar band. You are NOT a rock star!

   I'm doing the dance of joy. Which for me is walking to the fridge for another beer and walking back to my recliner. Oh joy!

   Here's the deal. I'm the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.

   swear my pillow could be a hairstylist I always wake up with the wierdest hairdos.

   went to a bar thought I wouldnt see anybody I know cause I never go there, and there it is bunch of alcaholic I know.

   Take control and put her in the no fly zone before she puts you in the friend zone.

   You've really got to hand it to short people because they often can't reach it.

   Girls don't dress for guys, they dress for themselves. If they dressed for guys they would be naked all the time