Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate it when they call you from someone else's phone And you answered it

   Life is like a roller coaster, and I'm about to throw up.

   I could be the next American Idol!! If they could just let me bring my shower on stage...

   Hate when I'm Sexually rubbing the wall until you find the light switch.

   Doctors say a drink a day is good for the heart. imagine how good it would be with 10 drinks especially with V day approaching..

   My superpower is turning tequila into tears.

   RELATIONSHIP TIP: You have to love yourself before you can expect anyone else to love you. Becoming happy with who you are and acknowledging your flaws.

   Question Of The Day- Why isn't there a mouse flavored cat food?

   Doctors say a drink a day is good for the heart. I say, a case a day is good for the memory, it helps you forget all the as$holes around you!

   Gisele Bundchen just yelled at a meatball for falling off Tom Brady's fork.

   I got some tarter control toothpaste. I still got tarter but that sh*t is under control. 

   I have over 200 cds.. This iPod better be ready for this nonsense I call music!

   Dont make the scars of your past hurt the people in your present

   Today, I had a package stolen from my porch. It was a shipment of customized M&M's for a Valentine's gift. I spent $60 for someone else to eat "I love you" messages.

   Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria's Secret when I will hold your boobs up all day for half that?!

   When I buy butter I don't choose it by how it tastes,I choose the one that's going to make the best cereal bowl when it's empty.

   Every person who ever asked if they were bothering me ..?? was bothering me.

   Ladies, before you moisturize your elbows, know that I've never heard 2 guys, "How were her elbows?" "Oh, they was moist."

   I'm not saying all Irish are alcoholics, but Italians, Chinese + Mexicans have restaurants. The Irish only have pubs.

   So a priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar. Bartender looks at them and says "What is this? Some kind of f@*king joke???"