Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "For every hostage you send out, I'll give you one hug." - lonely negotiator

   When are they going to air the commercial where the recipient of a car in a giant ribbon says, “A LEXUS! We can't afford this, you idiot.”?

   To treat a patient in a coma, I believe that you could play an LMFAO song nearby and the patient would have to wake up to turn it off.

   I've often wondered, what do people in China call their good plates?

   I think the ultimate test of being funny would be making a bailiff laugh out loud in a courtroom.

   Life is unpredictable. Just when you think you've got enough lotion on your skin, you may just get the hose again.

   "Chickpeas? Chick, please! Check please!" - guy who hates garbanzo beans complaining to waitress about how she brought him garbanzo beans

   "Don't call me old fashioned or i'll be forced to pummel you in a rousing bout of fisticufs"

   The tortoise and the hare is a classic fable, but the moral only helps you when racing a guy who takes a nap with a big enough lead.

   They say men are from mars and women are from Venus, but I'd like to believe men are from earth and women are from earth also.

   roses are grey. tulips are grey. violets are grey. cause I am a dog.

   lam is a religion of peace, and they'll kill your ass to prove it.

   I am giving up a few negative people for lent. So, if you call,text,tweet or email and I don't get to back to you?? Odds are it was you.

   2010: You're only cool if you have silly bands. 2011: Planking is the bomb! 2012: Let's go choke on cinnamon

   the status below me is the furthest from funny a status could be. this is not a world topic blog. bring the funny or shut it.

   You sound worse trying to hold a sneeze in and letting out a weak wimper rather than AAAAHHHCHOOOO YEAH!

   Gas is going up even higher and no way Obama will help. Democrats love high gas prices because they blame it on the republicans, and they think people driving less is better for going green.

   Friend request > Poke > Message > Phone Number > Text > Meet > Bang

   I'm also thinking about making a condom made of all bubble wrap...I can go from pop...pop...pop...to poppoppoppop

   How many times was Jonny on the spot before he had the phrase "Jonny on the spot" named after him?