Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was playing with my new toaster in the bathtub today when I read the warning label and it said not to. I was shocked.

   If video games make you violent, does monopoly make you a millionaire?

   I think the best way to prove to an ex that you don't think about them anymore is to write and produce a song saying so.

   I want to be a stay at home dad... minus the kids.

   Every man should have a bar where everybody knows your beer.

   It's 11:50 pm; do you know where your pants are?

   Never trust a fat chick who doesn't wear her real size, she can't even be honest with herself.

   Getting in an argument with women is like being arrested because anything you say can and will be used against you.

   When a midget smokes weed does he get high? Or medium?

   Why do we need algebra? ... Finding X is only useful if you're a pirate

   I never bought you flowers, because I can't figure out what they mean.

   My neighbor is watching porn...on his 72 flat screen..I can see it from 300 yards away!

   Agnostic: a lazy Atheist, someone who can't make up his freakin mind. :)

   likes to slide the popcorn around the bottom of the bowl and dredge up the butter!

   While I do plan on checking out Malcom X for Black History Month, I am having a real hard time finding Volumes I-IX first.

   It's official, I'm not gonna remember unless there's a Facebook event for it...

   who was the idiot who made umbrella handles out of metal? it is like making a shark bite suit out of meat..

   I was going to upload a photo of my biceps but I don't have a wide angle lens

   cleaning out his closet, I mean my loser friends that have real lives and never like my status!

   I guess my other 510 friends have real lives!