Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   16 and Pregnant? How come I didn't get my own show when I was 16? "16 and smart enough to use a rubber."

   Throwing dollar bills at overweight strippers is my version of cow-tipping

   If a woman accidentally poops while wearing a thong, is that considered a "log splitter"?

   I dont need anger managment classes you need STFU classes ;)

   Wish me luck... I'm off to contest library fines, on the grounds that I'm an "exceedingly slow" reader.

   Facebook keeps asking me, "What's on your mind?", it's like dating someone with low self-esteem.

   "The term CRACKER offendes me" - nobody.

   People are judging you right now. you dont need everyone 2 like u. Its your people that matter. Those who dont give an F change the world. The rest do not. Do things that you consider embarrassing. Accept awkwardness. Refuse boundaries. Live.

   Women are actually the biggest A$$holes.First they call you a ''Player" if you speak to other women then if you don't you're not a 'challenge and they call you "boring''.

   You look familiar to me. Are you the person that my parents warned me about? If so... do you wanna get a room?

   it is "Poke a CNA" week, they have it rough, let's show them some love...

   After a night of heavy drinkin' there's one thing I can't stand... and that's up.

   3.67 billion Women in the world and I just had to make my own sandwich! :((

   I'm laying on my yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I'm in "downward facing chalk outline."

   Someone told me to get over myself so I did a backflip, but then I just landed in more AWESOME!

   I got fired from my job as a bingo caller... apparently "A meal for two with a terrible view" was a pathetic way to announce the number 69.

   A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early today and get hammered.

   I'm pretty sure that if I get married, the only place I'll bother registering is the liquor store.

   THINGS THAT ARE DAMN HARD TO FIND: 1. A phone on silent 2. Fat girl's clitoris 3. True love

   Facebook retains ownership of everything you post, so I uploaded my debt and my kids.