Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you cant stand behind our troops, feel free to to stand in front of them!

   When I say "It's a long story," it doesn't mean it's actually a long story. It means I just don't want to tell you.

   Don't be too confident and happy just because he calls you his boo. First, find out how many hoes out there he calls that too. Don't be blinded and fooled by sweet nothings.

   Like if you remember closing the fridge door really slow, just to see when the lights went off.

   Shout out to my girlfriend who's in the hospital with a severe case of nonexistence.

   My motto : Dumb is a five letter word.

   SARCASM: Giving me the exclusive power to humiliate idiots without them knowing it.

   Woke up this morning after a heavy night of drinking to find out that I'd gone bald. Which is strange because normally I go for brunettes.

   Oh, you hate when guys stare at your boobs? You should call the police and report the person who ripped your top three buttons open then.

   BALL SO HARD MUTHAFCKAS WANNA FINE ME." "Grandma, just pay the parking ticket..."

   My wife laughed at me because I struggled to get a proper full on erecti0n, I told her ''Its a lot harder than it looks''

   Oh, you have read every Harry Potter book? That's cool. So how long have you been single?

   H.O.E.S = Happily offering everybody sex.

   Can you still get a girl pregnant on a "pull out" couch?

   The problem with Facebook is that everybody is on it. We plan to build a competing social network with nobody on it. - GOOGLE

   Why do people think that Jesus is coming back? It's not like he was nailed to a f-kin boomerang

   It is so nice that so many people have learned the golden rule "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". The unfortunate part is... no one talks to anyone anymore!

   The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

   One of my friends just called me and said his internet was not working...I told him to reset his router and he said "I can't, it's in my neighbors house" LOL

   I'm not sure about you guys, but I'm pretty sure if she can sell seashells by the sea shore, she also has pretty big boobs.