Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Best thing = Waking up, looking in your refrigerator and seeing a pizza box.

   Just found out I have tinnitus from constant exposure to rape whistles.

   Told my son to break up with his cross-eyed girlfriend, I think she was seeing someone else.

   So it's okay to kill hookers in video games, but smack one around in real life because you want to negotiate the price and suddenly everyone gets all pissy. Geeze.

   Immature: A word used by boring people to describe fun people.

   I bet it gets super awkward when hand models ask for jobs.

   I don't sweat the small stuff. I let it fill me with rage. Then I drink. Then I sweat alcohol. It's like the circle of life.

   You can say 'strawberry blonde' all you want. I know a fu*king ginger when I see one.

   I wouldn't necessarily classify myself as a hater. I'm more like a rational critic of rampant idiocy.

   If I can't identify an animal I spray it with water because there's always that chance it could be a gremlin

   Damn you, books on shelves that don't activate a secret door.

   When I'm inevitably brought to justice for my crimes against humanity I hope I'm found "incredibly" guilty and not just "regular" guilty.

   If I'm on a date & its bad, I'm just gonna stand up & say "I'm an actor, they're all actors & you're on MTV's Disaster Date!" & run out.....

   I found a butterfly on the ground that had no wings. So, I poured some RedBull on it and BAM... it drowned.

   How long will it take our government to have a zombie vaccination

   I'm hungry, and the only thing around is this guys face next to me.

   Ever read the nutrition facts on a bottle of water??? It does nothing for you people!!

   Random Fact: Girls don't CARRY condoms in their wallets like men do... Instead, they HIDE them under the powder in their compacts. "LIKE" if you know this to be true.

   "You have the cutest little baby back rib face." The last thing you want to hear in Florida.

   I don't care what you listened to on spotify.