Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ivanka Trump announced she got the vaccine shot. This means, no matter what I believe, I have to get the shot too or else the Trump family will hate me.

   I send women a picture of my medicine cabinet so they know Exactly what they are getting into 😛

   Oxygen was dicovered in 1977....

   Do beavers even know what they're doing? Or do they just see water flowing down a river and think, "Absolutely not!"

   To those who oppose Governor Desantis' covid revisions, kindly remain locked up in your homes with your masks firmly attached to your faces along with your heads up your a$$es.

   I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid. And my shoes got wet.

   I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich. I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.

   They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.

   When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.

   “Feeling sad? We can help make it worse” - online dating

   To those who truly believes that the burger police will come for you on the forth of july, please don't procreate.

   I was caught up in a really good book last night. I didn't stop coloring until 2am...

   Mike, Who, Cheese, Harry ~ say it faster

   Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up

   Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style

   Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.

   I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.

   In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.

   I've been watching the price of lumber and wondering if I should sell my house for parts?

   Betty White deserves better than to inherit this mess of a planet when we die