Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I feel like Olympic sports should focus less on pointless sports like synchronized diving and more on essential skills like evading a bear in the pool

   It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.

   We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.

   Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

   My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergarden.

   Do you suppose Ghosts believe in People?

   Karaoke is that one thing that convinces hundreds of drunk people they can actually sing.

   Why have I never actually seen a pie on a windowsill? even as a kid....

   just saw a guy wipe ketchup off his girlfriend's moustache in McDonald's. And they say romance is dead.

   Anyone who believes that Trumpers think Donald Trump created the vaccine but won't take it because it's poisonous obviously has the greatly diminished mental capacity of Dementia Joe

   Dear Anti-Vaxxer Imbeciles, Thank you for putting the rest of us at risk because you're too obtuse to look past ridiculous conspiracy theories

   Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that marriage should be between a person who don’t like pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.

   To defeat the latest variant, experts recommend doing all the things that didn’t work the first time.

   Her: What is this pile of clothes on the floor? Me: I struck down a Jedi. Her: I h*te you. Me: Yes, use your h*te.

   When you find out she’s a little crazy, but now you like her even more.

   If you’ve never lost your mind, you’ve never followed your heart.

   I’ve got bitemarks all over my tongue from all the things that I didn’t say.

   Have you ever been too nice and ended up in a situation that you could have avoided by just being an a$$h*le?

   What do you get when a topless blond rubs sunscreen on a topless brunette? Your camera.

   I miss the good ol days… when everybody wasn’t such an overly sensitive twit.