Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Be careful walking near tall building today. You may see millenials out on ledges for 1 of 2 reasons... they are playing Pokemon Go or they are depressed that their hero Bernie Sanders just fell in line with his comrades.

   Please Note: That ad On Craigslist is a Scam!! I repeat, It's a Scam!!! The Pokemon Ho has nothing to do with that game everybody has been playing!!

   OMG Pikachu!!! My life is now complete.

   I refuse to join your Pokemon cult

   I rise to join your Pokemon cult!

   Wears an "I'm with stupid" shirt to marriage counseling.

   Often think if I'd taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

   Don't know if dogs get how cool they look in sunglasses.

   Finally told my parents their neighbor of 20 years has always been an openly gay man.

   I'm saving my abstinence for marriage.

   I wore some of those khaki shorts with tiny lobsters all over them and my credit score went up 30 points.

   When I was a teenager, there was only one phone app. It was called the "dial tone."

   In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.

   There's no I in team due in large part to my utter lack of athletic ability.

   Pro Tip: Possums, wheither really dead or faking it, make great pillows for camping.

   If you love Jesus more than your husband then start praying the next time you need a jar open.

   Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn't seen me drunk.

   Donald Trump celebrated Free Slurpee Day by honoring those brave souls who died on 7/11.

   Overheard inside 7Eleven yesterday, if the hot dogs stay on the heated rollers for 24 hours they become mini Slim Jim's.

   Overheard at the 7Eleven slurpee machines, all employees must immediately get a tetanus shot after using the bathroom.