Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my boss told me today if their was an award for laziness I would win it,i told him "if I do win it I'm gonna need you to go accept it on my behalf.

   Everytime we go out for pizza, calzone and garlic knots, my girl always has to ruin the evening by ordering a salad.

   I try to tell the children that the intertube is NOT just about porn and cursing at strangers in comment sections - it also has a dark side.

   It was 25 years ago today that Al Gore invented the intertube. Celebrate this marvelous technical achievement by watching some cat-on-a-treadmill videos.

   Drove past a rehab center this morning. I couldn't stop laughing at the sign out front: "Stay Off the Grass".

   LAKESTALKER's SMARTASS COMMENT FOR THE DAY: Whoever came up with the phrase, "The freaks come out at night", have clearly never been to Walmart during the day...

   3 years 11 months and 3 weeks before renewing my interest in pole vault

   .... When I was waiting in the examination room for my prostate exam, When I asked the doctor where I should put my pants ... "Over there beside MINE" ... wasn't quite the answer I was expecting.

   Still waiting to be awarded the bronze medal in "Channel Surfing" from the international Olympic committee!!!!...

   I'm neither a glass half full or half empty. I always drink it all.

   KFC Announces The Hillary Special: Two Fat Thighs, Two Small Breasts, One Chicken Neck and a Left Wing.

   Fun Fact: Ryan Lochte originally took up swimming because his pants were always on fire.

   Please stop using fancy words like "sober " and "family".

   Recording production standards are at an all time high, while 90% of all music is listened to on smart phone speaker that's smaller than a dime, or earbuds which in most cases fall short of real sonic replication.

   How come they never sing happy birthday in the delivery room

   So last night I'm sitting on the toilet straining and pushing as hard as I can when I hear a "pop" and the lights go out. My wife says to me "Are you ok? I think the power went out..." I respond with "Thank God for that, I thought my eyes had exploded.

   If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.

   If you've considered robbing Ryan Lochte,,,, now would be the perfect time.

   I once tried to force-feed my oldest son. After a while, my wife said, “Just use a fcuk*ng spoon, You’re not a Jedi.”

   This might as well be CNN or FOX NEWS