Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I ordered 2 venti coffees from Starbucks for myself tonight so now I'm the new face of addiction.

   I've seen a lot of great photos of babies in my life, so if you want my "like" on Facebook you better bring it.

   Hard to take women with false eyelashes seriously. It's like watching two tarantulas scream for attention.

   Really hate crime but I love true crime docs so I'm at a real impasse here.

   My kid just called Child Protective Services because he still has an iPhone 5S.

   ITT Tech shutting down, which is a bad sign for other fake schools like University of Phoenix, Devry University, or Texas A&M.

   High School In 5 Words: Wore helmet. Didn't play football.

   You don't have to brush your teeth nearly as often when you're in a long distance relationship.

   I feel bad for whichever government employee has to monitor me, as me vacuuming alone looks like a movie directed by David Lynch.

   Nordstrom is a Swedish word that means “1 for the price of 2.”

   If Matt Lauer asks Tim Tebow about Aleppo it could break the internet.

   Pokemon Go is coming to the new Apple Watch, which should double the speed at which I no longer care about either.

   As a parent 40% of your time raising a teenager is threatening to take their bedroom door off the hinges....

   Trump promises to give generals 30 days to create a plan to defeat ISIS. He also wants them to create a perfume and shoot the ads or they'll be fired.

   Ann Coulter called "c*nt" 19 times during the 2 hour Comedy Central roast. Less than she's used to over a 2 hour period, but still a lot.

   Taylor Swift & Tom Hiddleston split. What?!?! No one saw this coming except her label which began cover art for her new album the night they kissed.

   Matt Lauer got his journalism degree in a Bazooka Joe comic.

   Q-Tips. The only product that warns you against its only use.

   Roger Ailes is offering to sleep with all Female Trump supporters to raise money for charity.

   Gave this girl my number and now she won't stop texting me. "Your table is ready. Please check in with the host." Geez....give me some space.