Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you'll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.

   Trump just blame Obama for wire-tapping his phone. My phone just got tapped too, I blame Trump.

   My wife left me because I'm too insecure. No wait, she's back. She just went to make a cup of coffee.

   if I die while I'm in an elevator I hope its while I'm going up not down

   The guy I’ve been paying to pick up sh*t in my backyard just realized that I don’t own a dog .

   I have nothing in common with people who replace bread ties.

   March 4th, the only day of the year that actually tells you to go do something.

   Negative People irks my nerves.. worry about yourself... maybe you're not getting promoted cuz you so negative!!!!

   From now on I will only accept apologies in cash......

   I just saw a man at the beach yelling ”help shark help” I just laughed I know that shark wasn't going to help him...

   I was going to moving to Russia if Hillary won the election. . .

   Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

   The secret of our marriage is chemistry. She's on Valium and I'm on Prozac.

   Chicks with nice b( . )( . )bs always seem to say the right things.

   Can you imagine the outrage if Obama had refused to share his taxes with the people?

   Just remember when you vote that they care more about party than country.

   Relax America. The Russians have now confirmed there was nothing going on between them and the White House. What more do you need?

   Alcohol is like a push up bra for your personality...

   I thought we had something. You met my family, you made me dinner, you called me Honey. Now suddenly you are just a "waitress" who was "doing her job".

   What’s the difference between an art student and a philosophy student? A philosophy student asks you why you want fries with that