Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm going to see to it that Tallmtnman dies from my hands. We don't need raci.sts like him.

   I'm going to the store. I'm at the doctor. My daughter is at the prom. I'm at a restaurant. My dog got a sticker in his paw. (That comprises 90% of all social media posts.)

   When you start receiving "Lifetime Achievement" awards it's probably a good time to make sure your will is up to date.

   Last year I joined a group for antisocial people. We haven't had a meeting yet.

   I may never understand women but I do know two words never to say to them, "calm down."

   Do you know what really grinds my gears? Not pushing in the clutch far enough when shifting.

   Thanks to Twitter, everybody with a computer and something to complain about thinks they're a modern day Che Guevara.

   Every time I read an inspirational tweet, I'm genuinely saddened when I get to the end and there's no punchline.

   I don't even like typing this, but can we all agree that the spelling of "diarrhea" is nearly as gross as the symptom?

   when I go to the store looking for paper towel, I feel like a BOUNTY hunter

   You all have heard of Murphy's Law right?.....It states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong....But have you heard of Cole's Law?...It's shredded cabbage.

   Thank God International Women's Day is only once per year. I don't think I can do a second day, in the year, without someone bringing me a sandwich.

   It never fails. I wash my car and the very next day I hit a pedestrian.

   A hungry traveler stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchen. A brother is frying chips. 'Are you the friar?' he asks. 'No. I'm the chip monk,' he replies.

   Generation Butt Hurt...where everyone is offended by everything.

   Thursday. The most useless day. It exists as a reminder that it's been a very long week and it's still not over.

   As a kid, I often thought how cool oit would be to read other poeple's minds. Then came social media...I'm totally over that.

   My nickname is "wind" because I blow everything.

   Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it's under the couch in the other room.

   My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.