Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I miss the 90s when grunge rock made bedhead cool and fashionable.

   Always memorize your grocery list in case the CIA hacked your iPhone notes.

   The percent of pre-marital sex within the animal world is rampant.

   Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is just a guy stopping for a cigarette.

   They have better health care in China at the robot factory that built Paul Ryan.

   The best thing about Daylight Savings Time is it shortens the current Presidental term by one hour.

   An intruder at the White House? Perhaps Trump should start with a garden wall before biting off more than he can chew.

   Reasons to Support American Health Care Act: 1) Controls overpopulation. 2) Supports a minority (the 1%). 3) Helps millions (of cancer cells).

   It's all fun and games until someone brings out Monopoly.....

   Probably the coolest thing about dating me is knowing if we have sex I'll recite Wikipedia pages to help educate you.

   In her defense, Kellyanne Conway was misled by the toaster.

   Trump asking the media not to be rude is like Jeffery Dahmer criticizing a victim for their dining etiquette.

   Alternative Fact: You can't get pregnant on Spring Break. Summer is the only time you can get pregnant.

   Never owned a single pair of shoes in my life. I just keep renting them from the bowling alley.

   How much douche could a douche bag douche if a douche bag could bag douche?

   When people simply scale the fence to the White House it really goes to show just how utterly pointless Donald Trump's border wall will be.

   Americans don't need the upcoming Trumpcare CBO report. POTUS already tweeted that his plan was great, so why ruin it with statistical analysis?

   My new home security system is a bunch of Tanaka airbags.

   Things Irish people simply won't do on St. Patrick's Day: 1) Drink green beer. 2) Twerk with leprechauns. 3) Spend $40 on dollar store stuff.

   If my psychiatrist said "There's really nothing more I can do for you", that means I'm cured right??