Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You’re smiling next to me…. In silent stupidity

   Well, another year with no finacial aid. That's what you get when you're white, parents are still married and they both work for a living.....

   I work very hard at my job but if the opportunity arises to become a rich housewife, I'm taking it.

   North Korea and China are pretty much going to do what they want, because Asian culture does not respect Russian puppets.

   I may be delusional but at least I'm going to Mars in November.

   Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.

   My therapist doesn't believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.

   How do you change the channel on your microwave? There’s a bunch of smoke poring out of this one. Guess it’s stuck on CNN.

   The only snowflake that I'm proud about are the ones I turn yellow.

   To be fair, Trump thinks Meals on Wheels is a taco truck and he hates Mexicans.

   Instead of condom, I like to call it a child-proof cap.

   Steve Bannon spent St. Patrick's Day the way he spends every other day, drinking us all into oblivion.

   So, the argument is that Trump said "wire tap" because he couldn't spell "surveillance"?

   So, when does Jill Stein announce her Kickstarter campaign to fund Meals on Wheels?

   If those terrible doctors hadn't given Trump those five deferments, we would have won Vietnam, bigly.

   BREAKING: Trump cancels annual Easter Egg Roll, claims he "doesn't care for Chinese food".

   Future Jobs For Kellyanne Conway: Curator of the Bowling Green Massacre Memorial Museum.

   Secret Service laptop with highly sensitive information on it has been stolen, Kellyanne Conway blames her microwave.

   Reagan had ketchup in school lunches declared a vegetable, so maybe Congress can have Trump declared a vegetable.

   Watching Trump meet with various world leaders is like witnessing someone go on a bunch of really bad first dates.