Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only Christmas movie I can even remotely relate to is "Bad Santa." And you damn right I want some sandwiches.

   FYI: If you are ahead of me in the checkout line and you tell me that you are sorry but you will be right back because you forgot something I bet you won't be back faster than I can't rub your apples under my arm pits and fart on your french bread.

   One man's "trauma" is another man's "most hilarious thing I've ever seen."

   Whenever I go to WalMart I like to wear jeans with no stains, a freshly washed shirt and shoes that tie so I can listen to all the other shoppers say, "Hey, check out the rich guy."

   C'mon someone give me something to make fun of! - Me, talking to my wall.

   It's that time of year again when our thoughts should turn to those less well off in our towns and cities, so remember to lock your doors and windows...

   I'm going to start rubbing Q-Tips on my head.....They have done wonders for growing hair in my ears.

   I think it's only fair to throw Monopoly money at strippers with fake boobs.

   Just once I want a Walmart greeter to give me the finger and mouth the words "f*ck you."

   Every Christmas for the last 15 years, I've been too drunk to remember the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, enough is enough. It's time to get my act together. This Christmas, I'm hiring a cameraman.

   Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go Jesus. It's yer birfday. We gonna party like it's yer birfday. We gonna sip some egg nog like it's yer birfday. And you know we gonna give some gifts cuz dats yer birfday.

   If your question starts with "Is it bad that......." then yes, yes it is bad that you... but I like the way you party.

   If you have a favorite Kardashian, I have no use for you.

   There's no sense in crying over spilled milk....... Oh, it was beer? Carry on then. :(

   I had three women making me a sandwich this morning. I felt like a pimp. Thats why I like Subway.

   The name brand bologna was on sale and actually cheaper than the store brand today but I still bought the store brand because I don't want my family getting used to such luxuries...

   Christmas is the time for giving family. So I'm giving away my family 'cause I'm efficient like that.

   Go down a waterslide while it isn't wet and then you'll underdstand why foreplay is so important. - That's what she said.

   I don't understand the language you are speaking. Can you shut the f*ck up in that same language?

   I'm totally gonna teabag the next person that Tebows.