Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No matter how hot you think you look , a public restroom self taken picture makes you very unattractive.

   Like the egg said to the boiling water...It's going to take me a few minutes to get hard, I just got laid last night. Cluck cluck cluck cluck.

   how do you turn your dishwasher into a bobcat,,, give your wife a shovel

   if you're the type of neighbor that likes to scream and yell till 3am, then I'll be the type of neighbor to mow at 6am!

   Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

   I don't care what people think of me. It can't be half as bad as what I think of them...

   Planking: Pretending to be a beached whale in places you wouldn't find a beached whale

   In the car: Are we insane yet? Are we insane yet? ....

   NO Katy Perry, I have NEVER felt like a plastic bag!

   I only do things the voices in my wife's head tell her to tell me to do.

   Happy 235th to United States and happy 12th or whatever to Alaska and Hawaii.

   i wonder if bus drivers stop at bus stops when they drive their own cars??

   in the $2 shop the other day and the checkout girl called for a price check on an item without a price sticker !

   Dear Facebook. My friends know when I change my profile picture.. Signed, Everyone on the planet

   Hey brain, tell the idiot that Carona is not a screw top!! Signed, the skin between the thumb and fore finger.

   How you douche bags feel knowing you're disposable ?

   Anger is an emotion for people who wish to control others while simultaneously failing to control themselves.

   the next person that tells me they have a 3 day weekend is getting a firework shoved up their poop shoot!

   Every man is a damn fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.

   Please put this on your status if you know someone or are related to someone who suffers from stupidity. People need to understand that stupidity is real & should be taken seriously. You could be sitting next to a sufferer right now.