Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet people don't even wear capes in Cape Town.

   “When it Absowutewy, Positivewy has to be thewe ovewnight." ~ FuddEx

   When I die, I want to be cremated regardless of cost... I feel like I've urned it.

   Definition of pointless: Jobless people on Facebook updating their status to 'thank God it's the weekend'

   NOTICE: Helen Waite is now in charge of my complaint department. SO if you have any complaints - please go to Helen Waite.

   They really need to add a “download this song illegally” button on Pandora.

   I've been having this weird feeling all day, the only way I know how to describe it is: you know when you switch on a switch and nothing happens? That.

   To the guy who named cotton candy: Yes! It looks just like it sounds. To the guy who named Milk Duds: What the hell is wrong with you?

   Sometimes people are beautiful. Not in looks. Not in what they say. Just in what they are.

   I'd be a great sports announcer because I'm really good at pointing out obvious sh*t and having incomprehensible conversations.

   Today I told my car it's okay for it to tell me if it's a transformer. It didn't answer. I assume it's just waiting for the right moment.

   I love seeing the Australian news cause it's like they're from the future.

   Wish Adam would have spent more than just a rib.....

   Loving someone who doesn't love you back is like hugging a cactus. The tighter you hold on, the more it hurts.

   3 things I've learned in school: Texting without looking, Sleeping without getting caught, TEAMWORK on tests

   When somebody sends me a 'k' text, I assume they forgot the rest of "fuc_ you" so I make sure to correct them.

   The word 'Microsoft' makes me think of chubby midgets

   Just witnessed a grown man run down an escalator the wrong way. Most embarrassing thing...it was my dad

   6 family members had a birthday this month and thanks to Facebook I knew that this year.

   i'm going to take a pic of my son and use age progression to see what he looks like at 16. I'll keep it in his room, and when he finally figures out its him, I'm gonna try and convince him he's a time traveler