Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Survival rule #1: You go first.

   Next time I'm on an elevator with four or more strangers, I'm going to turn around and say, "I'm sure you're wondering why I've gathered you all here."

   Props to the radio stations!! I know it must be difficult with the different lengths of songs yet you still manage to sync ur commercials with every other radio station!

   If you're talking on your cell phone in a public bathroom, I will flush the toilet over and over so your friend knows *exactly* where you are.

   Sarcasm - honesty's drunk uncle.

   Why is it that when a bird flies into a window, everyone feels bad for the bird, but when I walk into a sliding glass door, it's suddenly f*cking hilarious?

   NOT FAT! I'M FESTIVELY PLUMP

   Tom's may provide shoes for poor kids in Africa but I provide jobs for kids in China by purchasing Nikes. I'm truly the better person.

   With the success of "Teen Mom" as well as "16 & Pregnant," MTV is proud to announce their new show "15 & F*cking."

   Treat em like ladies - love em like lesbians!

   Dear Mario, I wested my childhood just to save your Girlfriend!

   Are you supposed to get an email that says “HAHAHAHAHA” after signing up for Match.com?

   Friends are like underwear.... Some crawl up your butt... Some snap under pressure... Some don't have the strength to hold you up... Some get a little twisted... Some are your favorite.Some are cheap & just plain nasty.And some actually do cover your butt

   Whenever I hear a woman say, "I dont need a man" ...all I hear is, "I cant get a man"

   Life doesn't change. Only the people in it.

   Whenever I need a moment to myself, I just go on MySpace.

   hoping to be part of a wordless briefcase exchange someday.

   Rosa Parks never called SHOTGUN!!

   I molested myself last night, I said no, but I knew I wanted it

   Hopes that the Gay community is enjoying all the free media attention...with the flooding in Manitoba I haven't heard the word "Dykes" used so much since last years Gay Pride week .