Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm trying to see things from your point of view But I can't stick my head that far up my Ass

   if a bra is an "over the shoulder boulder holder" then what would you call men's underwear? Under the butt nut hut?

   Just saw an article on yahoo that said "Little unknown facts about the Royal Wedding". I have a little unknown fact for you yahoo, no one gives a shit about the Royal Wedding.

   Nothing like an old high school crush finding you & friending you on Facebook because he needs cows or some shit for Farmville.

   “Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”

   About 50% of the time “good luck” really means “efff you.”

   walking by the gas price sign at the Gas station and remembers the day when he could afford to drive to the gas station for his slushy

   Todays Thing To Do: Make a To-Do list.

   what is the difference between acne and a catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12

   If, at any point, you stopped for Hammer Time, I think it is now safe to restart.

   Dear man at the gas station, I admire how your mustache begins with your nose hairs.

   People who brag they have haters are doing their so called haters a favor by making you look more of a douchebag than you already are.

   What you call hoarding, I call forgetting to take out the garbage for 278 consecutive weeks.

   looking forward to showering with his brand-new "William-and-Kate-Royal-Wedding-Marketing-Hype-Souvenir-Soap-on-a-Rope".

   i hate when I wake up in the morning and Barack Obama is my president

   "Have a nice day".. "Dont tell me what to do"

   "Wow, this place is so clean! I could literally eat off the floor!" - my dog at every place she's ever been.

   I only came here to do two things, kick some ass and drink some beer. Looks like we're almost outta beer.

   I must be allergic to peanuts. I break into a rash every payday.

   has been considering a lobotomy... it seems like a no-brainer.