Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Watching a good movie but doesn't know why people put sex on DVDs

   ‎$3.88 until my Visa is maxed out. I'm struggling between the #4 at Burger King or shampoo...

   going to take over the world by building a large army of highly trained, blood thirsty pomeranians.

   I was on Facebook before it was cool, and before the rest of you idiots joined.

   If your vigina is anything like my hand then we should not have a problem

   The Devil came in all his glory to tempt and recruit me, realized who he was talking to, apologized, and asked me for a job application instead.

   Whats the difference between a peeping tom and a pickpocket? A pickpocket snatches watches......

   What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey? A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

   If a robin makes red babies and a bluebird makes blue babies, what kind of bird makes no babies? A swallow.

   Did you hear about the elephant with diarrhea? It's all over town.

   Why do they no longer offer drivers ed and sex ed in schools in Mexico? The donkey died....

   What does Barbara Bush and Charlie Sheen have in common? They both like to blow a little dope.

   if you take my jokes to heart... you deserve to be offended!!

   When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?

   imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

   All men were not created equal, look around more often

   it's going to be cold today, Nips don't lie. - update from Shakira

   Just because you have headphones in your ears blocking external sound, does not mean your farts to not make noise.

   a man donates blood to his girlfriend. they break up. he says he wants his blood back. she throws a tampon at him and yells 'I'll pay you monthly!!'

   When life throws you a curve, downshift and take it vigorously.