Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.

   Please respect my toddler’s need for comfort during this difficult time. Her bath is too wet.

   Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie

   Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night

   At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead

   I put a lot of basil, parsley, rosemary and thyme in my old Volkswagen Beetle... ..it became herby.

   The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that's just science....

   When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?

   Wife: what are you doing Me: teaching the dog poker Wife: where are your pants Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago

   Sometimes I open my mouth and my mother comes out.

   it just me or are there far fewer good climbing trees around these days?

   "Have a nice day, unless you've made other plans."

   1719: We can only pray the harvest will provide enough food to last the winter. Now: They had a sale on the 15 pound tubs of peanut butter at Costco, so I got 4.

   No you can't throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that's literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school

   I walked in on my 13 year old boy watching YouTube videos and I was mortified... What kind of psychopath watches Bob Ross at 13?

   The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough ... now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.

   My Grandpa used to gather us around to tell us stories about surviving World War Two. My dad just gathered us around to watch a YouTube clip of an Asian child playing “Africa” by Toto on a rubber chicken.

   There is a fine line between "I'm not doing anything except looking at Facebook" & " I'm not doing anything because I'm looking at Facebook"

   I do crunches twice a day now. Captain in the morning and Nestle in the afternoon...

   "I don't think I can get through a day without my middle finger."