Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I made a grocery list last night when I was drunk and it just says "healthy stuff," "looob," and "you don't own me."

   casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

   Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more

   Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.

   Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.

   Ever notice that adding "after hours" or "after dark" to anything makes it sexy? Walmart after hours Walmart after dark Almost anything...

   new drinking game...every time a member of congress coughs, take a drink

   Not only is it dangerous you'll look like a complete idiot if you text and drive, as that's how typos happen.

   Maybe Millennials aren't having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/

   Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don't let your dog sit in the driver's seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.

   My kids are so aware that I'm a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.

   [On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym] Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn? Her: Yup Me: Me too! Her: How? Your machine isn't even on

   [trick-or-treating] Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it! Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.

   Things I learned the hard way in high school: Don't dump Gatorade on your coach's head, especially if you lost the game.

   What if the meaning of life is written somewhere in Facebooks user service agreement no one bothered reading?

   Cardi B's music hits different when you turn it off

   That’s not my fanny pack. That’s my stomach.

   Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids' gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.

   Me: I've lost the dictionary Her: Can you look upstairs? Me: I can't look up anything

   Sorry, package of water bottles. I'm only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you're sleeping in the car tonight.