Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   With all the technology these days, you'd think they would come up with an Online Gym where losing weight would be a click away

   Not to brag or anything but once in 2005 for about three months I was the top friend for three different people on MySpace.

   If they've seen you dance in public and still hangout with you then consider them good friends.

   Since irons are like 1000 degrees, who's bright idea was it to make an ironing board the flimsiest contraption ever made??

   Jameis Winston will appear on the covers of both EA Sports "NCAA Football '14" AND "Grand Theft Crustacean."

   If I end up doing something really cool or funny there’s an 80% chance it was on accident

   When I was a kid I would have a recurring nightmare of been in public without pants . Now I realize that my subconscious was.just preparing me for college !

   With all the infadelities of David Boreanaz, puts a new menaing to his show "Bones". Just waiting for the porn movie to be made.

   Have yourself a merry little christmas sounds pretty condescending - Jennifer Lopez

   It's amazing how irritating some people can be with only 140 characters on Twitter.

   Oh, I can take a hint. I just choose not to.

   Apparently this guy in the next stall doesn't want his feet tickled.

   Good to see Brian Williams is back on TV, he is now competing with late night infomercials.

   Life as a college student at the bar....give me your biggest, strongest, cheapest drink.

   And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.

   Honestly in 56 years, I've never seen anyone fall because of a banana peel.

   Love ordering from the menu by reading the description, not the item. "Yes, I'll have the two long ground corn tamales stuffed with pork."

   I asked HR for some things to improve my work performance: an adjustable chair, a wrist cushion mousepad, xanax. Pretty standard requests.

   At times I think we have achieved so much as a species, but then I notice that someone has tossed a dirty diaper in a parking lot.

   Microsoft agrees to acquire LinkedIn for $26.2 billion. Which is also the number of email updates users receive daily.