Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.

   "My vote is for sale. Anyone want to one up Madonna? I'm taking offers..."

   The only people watching your Facebook Live Streaming are your stalkers.

   Sorry you brought logic to a wife fight

   Looks like I picked the wrong week to adult.

   NASCAR would be more fun to watch if Hot Wheels designed the tracks.

   If I get addicted to eating cold turkey, idk how i'm going to quit

   You've reached expert Dad level when you can't drive by a gas station without commenting on the price.

   People tell me that I have a unique way of lighting up a room. It's called arson and those people are called witnesses.

   Last night my wife came to me wearing a sexy policewoman costume and said "You're charged with being good in bed." But after about two minutes the charges were dropped due to lack of hard evidence. FML.

   Went for a check up, everything was normal, except the doctor stuck is finger up my butt...... I need to get a new dentist.

   The best way to smuggle drugs across the border is to place them up a dogs butt. That way when the drug sniffing dog investigates, the officer will think that the dog is just being friendly.

   If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra size.

   The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good

   sure your baby is cute and all but what does it do?

   It's "let me fish it out of 5 layers of clothes just so I can pee" degrees out..

   I can't go to work today. The "wardrobe malfunction" happened 15 years ago today. It was very offensive.

   I like to play this game called nap roulette...It's where I take a nap but don't set an alarm. Will it be a 30 min nap? Will it be a 4 hour nap? Will I wake up tomorrow? Nobody knows. But it's risky. And I like it

   I thought the internet was originally created to save time. So what happened?

   Whenever I see someone I don't know wearing what look like pajamas in public I always wonder, have they completely given up on life or are they living it to the fullest!?