Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In my will I am leaving everything to the imagination.

   I'm really getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I've given the bird to lots of people today.

   If you want to be remembered after you die, borrow money from everyone you know.

   Just when I thought North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un couldn't get any weirder, he goes and lets the cast of Jersey Shore cut his hair.

   "You drive me to drink!!!" ~Me shouting to the taxi driver.

   Well there's only one way to find out how many of my coworkers secretly wish that I'd punch them...

   says Happy Friday @ 5:00 pm! If an ice cold, tall, 22 ounce Miller Lite is wrong, I dont wanna be right...

   I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot

   Words of wisdom: Never turn on your windshield washer, going 60 mph, and your sun roof open. Unless you want to wake the kids in the back seat.

   I once was on a diet for a month and lost 30 days

   I'm not that impressed that hula dancers can tell a story with their hands. I can tell a story with one finger.

   Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

   I must be a proctologist... because I work with a*sholes.

   I've invented a new low-intensity cardio workout that requires me to lay completely still on the couch.

   It's not that the elderly drive badly. It's just that they're the only ones with the time to do the speed limit.

   Having one child makes you a parent. Having two makes you a referee.

   Just when you think you've finally hit the bottom, someone tosses you a shovel.

   Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out but the only way I can shut the B*tch up is with cookies.

   wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I'm awesome.

   Sure, you may have the last word....as long as it is "Yes, Ma'am" or "I'm sorry."