Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everytime I get on facebook, I feel like I am shopping at Lowe's for bathroom updates.

   McDonald's is like a one night stand. I crave it. It feels good going down. I completely regret it afterwards.

   since football season is officially here, I will celebrate by tackling the sh*t out of stupid people that piss me off!

   it says on my sidebar on facebook.. "Many of people who like Lindsey Lohan also liked Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen" Oh no, that can't be good.

   People give all kinds of excuses to the cellphone guys at the mall as to why they won't stop. "I have a phone with you guys already," or "I just signed a new contract." Personally, I like to cut to the chase with, "I hate you guys."

   The difference between "like" "love" and "in love" is the same as the difference between "for now" "for a while" and "forever."

   You know your friends are starting to mature when you wake up on a random couch after a crazy house party and there's no d!ck drawn on your face.

   I don't jog for the same reason you don't see dump trucks entered in the Indy 500...it's not my forte'.

   sliced bread, best invention since icecream on a stick...

   A penny saved is no longer a penny earned. It is a government oversight!!!

   a toast to Levi Strauss, who died today in 1902 - "Thanks for making my ass look good all these years!"

   chloraseptic tastes like the smell of a new shower curtain

   Education is expensive, but ignorance is more so.

   Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits.

   I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

   Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

   Some things are best kept between you and your neighbours. Like a fence.

   large and in charge... well, one out of two ain't bad.

   sure i'll sign oprah's pledge to make my car a cell free zone... it'll free up both hands to hold my grey goose bottle.

   Butterflies in the belly and weak knees...The 2 best feeling in the world!