Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Scientists at Lake Tahoe are fighting off a clam invasion.. Or to use scientific terms, "Lilith Fair"

   it better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all?......no it is NOT!

   Profiling: when police stop only the cars that are driving on the sidewalk.

   When dogs leap onto your bed, it's because they adore being with you. When cats leap onto your bed, it's because they adore your bed.

   if it were not for mimosa's...I would not reach my daily recommended allowance of Vitamin C

   219 facebook friends but only 60 numbers saved in my cell phone am I missing something here? who are these people?

   According to a to a recent UCLA study, surfing the Internet stimulates the brain. And certian sites stimulate other parts of the body.

   wants to remind you that we only have to be good for one more day.

   wants a "people you may find attractive and would hook up with" section on facebook. it'd make things so much easier.

   Am I the only one that when I see a "Siemens" commercial I giggle?

   Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

   The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house

   Can clearly see a few people who ate a bowl of stupid for breakfast.

   Gravity always gets me down...

   strived his whole life to become wise. When I accomplished my goal I realized it was a big mistake because now I have to put up with idiots.

   If Tylenol, duct tape and a band-aid can't fix it...you've got serious problems.

   Tiger Woods has announced that he will return to golf at next months Masters. Also returning to golf ...television viewers

   I'm what you might call an "incurable romantic". Although that's not the term they use at the Free Clinic.

   Those 7 dwarfs mine 100 karat diamonds all day and still live in a $hitty little cottage. What the hell are they saving up for?

   Facebook will soon become the world's leading source of unwanted information about people's New Year's resolutions.