Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like the fact that you can see someone's location on their Facebook profile. Because It makes it easier for me to avoid them.

   They've installed a machine at the BAR which tells you when to stop drinking. Its called an ATM.

   Last night,,, I dreamt about Christopher Walken and Gilbert Gottfried rap battling...... (You're welcome, for that mental imagery)

   My ex-wife is living proof of how stupid I can be.

   There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house.

   i don’t understand shark movies I mean just get out of the water.

   Facebook needs a 'Wow that's the dumbest f*cking thing I've ever heard, you should be punched in the throat' button.

   I broke a light bulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles..... Fly is dead.

   can't figure out why the Toyota Prius owners would be worried about brakes, since the car can't go fast enough to hurt anything anyway.

   I don't know who's apartment I stayed at last night, but I just showered here and their shampoo is PHENOMINAL.

   wonders why who jog regularly cannot get through the day without telling someone how far they ran? Notice they have to sneak it into the conversation or they'll burst

   resisting the new profile page.. Read the signs people! Today, your profile page.. tomorrow the world!

   would like to see a more man-friendly mall for next Christmas. It needs to have a Home Depot, AutoZone, Bass Pro Shop, Lowe's, Sears, Gander Mtn, Pep Boys, a Longhorn Steakhouse and ESPN radio playing over the christmas tunes.

   Someday we will be wheeling down the hall in that nursing home trying to have a race until the assistants come and take us to where we should have been

   OK, I just throughly cleaned out my truck from being on the road for 2 months working. What did I learn: 1) I should lay off the dollar menu 2) If TV series Hoarders, did a car edition they would ask me to star and 3) I am now getting 7 mpg more with all

   Shhhhhhhhhh....you had me at, "..$20 does include the spanking.."

   When I was young, we had to walk outside to find out what the weather was like

   liquor and ugly can only go so far... Would you like a paper bag?

   so excited: my DVD collection of "Hoarders" is almost complete! And on VHS. And on Blu-ray and 8mm film. And LaserDisc. Where's my cat?

   New plan for the weekend: free Charlie Sheen and party with him.