Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   dear science, thanks for all your contributions lately, but is there a chance we can get some windshield wiper fluid infused birds anytime soon? Thanks:)

   At times, I really wish that my place of employment had a chimpanzee that gives you an ice cold beer when leaving the office as part of your benefits package

   When someone says, "Expect the unexpected," I like to punch them in the face to express my agreement.

   I want a job in construction. I want to apply to be that guy who is never doing anything when you drive by slowly because they are merging lanes. this guy can usually be seen holding a cigarette and wearing his football teams logo on his hard hat

   STATUS, coming to a wall near you!

   Will watch the Movie : 2012 in 2013

   To be upset over what you don't have is to waste what you do have.

   MC Hammer arrested. STOP..... Slammer Time

   Someone please tell Facebook that all relationships are complicated.

   every 60 seconds in Africa, A minute passes.

   What I learned from Titanic was that you need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person you like cause you never know what might happen.

   Everything has gone to hell ever since Dennis Rodman visited North Korea, I wonder what he told them

   Trusting people these days should totally be the new adventure sport.

   Mario Kart is more fun if you imagine everyone's fleeing the scene of a brutal homicide.

   According to weather.com,,, there appears to be a HUGE ad for car insurance moving in from the west..... RUN FOR YOUR LIVES !!!!

   There's no place like home. (to poop)

   So apparently Justin Bieber is planning to visit the troops in the Middle East. Taliban, this is your last shot for redemption.

   If elected President, I would give out free window tint to all those people who sit at traffic lights and insist on picking their nose..

   Sometimes I wish I could be one of my friends for 1 day, to see how it is to hang out with me..

   The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing