Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   not goin bald....im just gettin more head!

   Weird... I just found a haystack on top of this needle...

   Nothing is sweeter than finding out that the cute boy who dumped you in the 12th grade lives in his mother's basement.

   Whoever said "two wrongs don't make a right" has obviously never experienced McDonalds breakfast after a night of binge drinking.

   I don't start trouble! I just keep it going.

   Life is a roller coaster. You can either scream every time you hit a bump or you can throw your hands up in the air and enjoy it.

   Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

   You know the economy is bad when you go into the bank and tell the manager you'd like to start a small business and his recommendation is to buy a big one and just wait a few months.

   Why is it, when I get a 2-minute long, static and mumbling filled voicemail that is clearly the result of an accidental purse/pocket dial, I don't just delete it 5 seconds in? Because I'd rather listen intently for sh*t talking.

   Today, I did it hard, I did it loud, it was wet, and I did it four times in a row. I wish I wasn't talking about sneezing.

   OK...I have 20 Bowls and 20 Lids...Not NONE of the dang things match!!

   wondering why the big uproar about burning Crayons??

   Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.

   One of our cats sits on the toilet lid and stares at the shower curtain while we take a shower. We're not sure if he's life-guarding or just amazed about how brave we are.

   Friends are a bad influence. And I would just like to thank them for that.

   Why Did Donkey Kong even bother throwing barrels? Why not let Mario get up to his level and then just beat the sh!t out of him?"

   f car insurance companies aren't going to give us our money back after each accident-free year, at the very least they should send us a freakin "Thank-You" card or something. Bunch of ungrateful pricks

   OK so I'm a guy so I'm not going to pretend like I'm an expert on the subject but HOW THE HELL DO YOU NOT KNOW YOU'RE PREGNANT!!!!

   So my boss told me I was well rounded this morning... I didnt know whether to thank him.. or punch his lights out..

   My gift horse is facing the wrong way