Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Waking up on a Monday morning isn't hard. Convincing myself that getting out of bed is worth it---that's the real challenge

   passed a door in the stairwell with the sign: "Door is Alarmed." I told it to relax, everything is going to be okay.

   I look forward everyday to extending my streak of never watching a single minute of "The View"!

   OMG! Stop sending me that stupid birthday calendar request. My damn birthday is already on my profile, why do you need a backup!?!

   What the USA Government needs is a Department of Common Sense.

   Scientists say they will soon be able to repair our cells to where we can live to be 500+ years old. If I have to wait until I'm 470 to get social security, I'm going to be ticked off.

   Common sense is like deodorant... The people who need it most never use it.

   Reasons I check my voicemail: 1% to hear the message. 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.

   Everytime I think I've come up with a great FB status and no one likes it I die a little inside

   4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot to reduce their fractions.

   Sex without love is like ice cream without sprinkles… still pretty awesome.

   Tip: Instead of doing that thing where you obviously crop your ex out of the photo, you could actually just take a new picture.

   If Ebola broke out in Vegas, would it stay in Vegas?

   Sadly no matter how hard you try, you can't mail a fart. Too bad though, because this would actually make paying Bills a lot more fun.

   Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.

   INSTALLING SPRING... ████████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ 33% DONE. Install delayed....please wait. Installation failed. Please try again

   I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help... so I hired a hitman.

   That #MomentOfPanic when in the middle of showing your girlfriend a video on your phone.......another girl calls

   Decaffeinated coffee is useless brown water.

   Don`t let the sadness of your past, and the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present...