Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   I'm surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I've dropped and shattered my phone.

   When people hate you, hold your head high and your finger higher.

   Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority.

   I made a grocery list last night when I was drunk and it just says "healthy stuff," "looob," and "you don't own me."

   Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn't seen me drunk.

   People who are quarantining in jeans: what are you trying to prove

   While most people are becoming older and wiser, I'm becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.

   I leave notes on people's windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.

   China: 1.2 billion people. 50 last names.

   If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons made Rosie O'Donnell fat.

   Please, smart people, stop getting out of jury duty.

   would be more willing to accept people for who they are if they were more like how I wanted them to be.

   Always smile in the morning. It will make people wonder what you did the night before.

   If you got attacked by a bunch of homeless people would you be bummed?

   It's weird how starving people aren't allergic to gluten.

   I am SO out of the loop. So are Ferguson people rioting because Bill Cosby raped 20 women?

   We asked 100 people (top ten answers on the board), "Who will never host live TV ever again?!"

   I can totally relate to cranky elderly people. I mean you can only be nice for so long!

   I hate it when people lie, especially when you know the truth about what they are lying about.

   'People were meant to be loved & things were meant to be used. The confusion in this world is that people are used and things are loved!'