Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   All the advantages right-handed people have are cancelled out when we have to do our banking at the drive-up ATM left-handed.

   I think it is so impolite for people to sneak up on you while you are talking about them behind their back!!!

   When you are dead, you don't know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.

   People that say relationships are easy have probably never been in a real relationship. Cats don’t count.

   Do you know what I hate worse than people? Groups of people.

   A lot of people do not realize thats the actor who played Wilson in Castaway is the same actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun.

   People who say "only God can judge me" don't know how Twitter trolls work.

   "Are you excited about Halloween? People go out pretending to be something they're not, looking for handouts. It's like running for president."

   I get a real kick out of people who drive a mile in their car to run a mile on a treadmill.

   I love snow – People who never shovel

   People cheating on their taxes disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 23 dependents in...

   Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

   I don't need drugs to have a good time. But I do need them to focus, avoid depression, survive winter, fall asleep, stay awake, control my blood pressure, calm myself down, and to avoid choking the hell out of stupid people.

   If I was a cop and I pulled over a drunk driver, I would make them do the Macarena as their sobriety test.

   Sometimes you just have to be straight up with people or they will expect you to bend over backwards.

   It's as if none of these people have ever seen a beer hat at the gym before.

   I have been very drunk before but not "wake up with a Kardashian" drunk.

   7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks last year.. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse this year...

   Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says "welcome"...

   I'm really getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I've given the bird to lots of people today.