Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   People who work in retail: How do you do it??? I am merely a humble line participant, and I want to choke everyone around me.

   I love when people say to me… Omg! Your so funny on FB. If they only knew about my awesome copy & paste ability..They could be just as funny!

   Some things are better left unsaid, but I'm probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.

   I dance like people wish they weren't watching.

   I'm going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep

   Move your office desk into the elevator and ask people who get on if they have an appointment.

   It makes me sad to think there are people in this world who have a favorite Kardashian.

   To pay for my funeral, I'm going to sell tickets and DVDs of my death-bed confession and I will be accepting bribes from people to be left out of it.

   I've never seen a tombstone that read: "Died from not forwarding that post to thirty people."

   Apparently going to coffee with your friends and coming back drunk is frown upon by management .

   In the end people always turn into the person they promised never to be"

   It's always exciting when the Netflix arrive. I open up the envelope, take them out and say, “Awesome, movies I wanted to watch when I was drunk and lonely three days ago.”

   thinks the bad thing about having kids is that they are ALL morning people.

   Some people are put off when I greet them with a kiss. Maybe I should use less tongue?

   People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you had enough money, you could have a key made

   I seriously wonder how people find me on Facebook when we have 0 mutual friends

   To all those that use our competitors brand...Happy Father's Day From the people of Durex

   You don't have a drinking problem; people without arms have a drinking problem.

   I shouldn't have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.

   Looking at all the post on my news feed, it is very hot today. News Flash people, it is summertime. That is what happens in summer months. Keep me posted in January also when it is cold out. Thanks