Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not going to happen! I'm the king of lame comedy and I love it!

   Woke up today feeling gay! That was close

   If your profile mainly consists of photos featuring you and your 60 year old friends at bars and restaurants, you've failed miserably.

   You can tell It's a Chink even when they wear sunglasses.

   Usha and Melania always look so unfulfilled. I'd pay good money to watch Zelensky tag team both of them.

   Walmart's Mexico unit said on Thursday it would invest more than $6 billion in the country this year

   Stinky

   Jeeziz. Walmart's Mexico unit said on Thursday it would invest more than $6 billion in the country this year.

   Turtleneck shirts were invented by a guy whose girlfriend gave him lots of hickeys.

   It's wash day, and we're bringing the Maytag.

   Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!

   That was a fun way to kill 10 minutes. See you dumbass sheep losers with no creativity whatsoever tomorrow.

   Contemplation is merely the precursor to engaging in the activity.

   I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently "A way out" wasn't the right answer.

   F*ck those ju baztids.

   Did you develop your personality in a car crash?

   If a case the Clap spreads,wouldn't it be considered an outbreak of the applause?

   RIP Jimmy Buffett. The Hurlburger's in Paradise.

   If you don't watch where you're going, you might end up someplace else.

   Yeah. 5 assholes.