Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I learned a valuable lesson today. An LED bulb doesn't work in an easy bake oven. I've been cooking this roast chicken for five hours and it's still raw.

   No New Year, No Groundhog, No Valintine, and now no New President. Holidays suck anymore.

   I never let anyone drive me crazy, because I know it's within walking distance!

   If a f#% chic is the equivalent of a b#%! dude. I really need to do something about my weight. I don't want to Roll like that

   BRB.... am I more than you bargained for yea.

   This is our Mahoment!!

   AI photos are like instant mashed potatoes. You can easily tell they're weird, tasteless and nowhere near the real thing.

   Me: [donating my body to Science] Science: [donates my body to Goodwill] Goodwill: [Leaves body on their lawn, with a sign that says "Free..please take!"] 🤷

   If you scan a tribal tattoo at a Walmart price checker, it unlocks a secret a room where homeless men fight to the death for the amusement of Toby Keith.

   Airport

   All men eat ass, they just wating to see if they can do it without you telling anyone... Be patient and keep that crack clean!

   Sometimes I'm happy, then mad, then hungry and then chatty. So yes, I get it women. Great, now I'm crying.

   Tweets are expanding to 280 characters and now I am looking for someone to write a forward for my soon-to-be-published tweet.

   I liked Avicii's songs especially the ones where he features the guys who sing the entire song

   We are all free to walk our own path. My path is full of my husband’s socks and shoes

   As a New Yorker " aight bet " could mean " I totally agree with you" or possibly your life is in danger

   Where can I go now to get a good vodka, steak and mortgage?

   I'm back when penny candy was a penny years old.

   With all the technology today, how is it possible that the "mullets make you look like a total tool" message has not made it to all people?

   me: my cup runneth over... sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.