Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Time to lose a little weight from the holidays with my guaranteed to work weight loss program that's called "Log Out of Facebook"

   I got 352 likes Facebook post and somehow I feel I should get some sort of Facebook consolation prize, or something.

   The only change in my life is tha I'm consuming more food than before because nothings here to stop me

   I know I’m paranoid, but am I paranoid enough?

   Now that Hugh Hefner has passed away, do the bunnies get the house?

   My dating life has been so bad since the coronavirus I asked my Alexa if she could be my girlfriend who said no I like you but only as friends.

   Just watch the movie Tenet. It felt like a glorifed Back to the Future. Except with more plot holes.

   I probably would be celebrating St Valentine's today but I have scruples and can't forgive Madonna for dating that male dancer Ahlamalik Williams.

   Love Sunday bourbon but sometimes "message failed to send," is your four leaf clover

   Waiter: What would you like? Me: I’ll have the Double Deep Fried McMeme Supreme with extra spicy cream.

   Whoever discovered DNA, I hate that person so much. We can't even get away with crimes these days. This sucks ass!

   The problem with quotes by famous people you see on Facebook is you never know if they're authentic or not. Albert Einstein,

   I just want to make you hot. Mess your hair up. Get your blood flowing. When I chase you around the house over the last piece of pizza.

   Now that Valentine's Day is over and cake candy and flowers are 50% off, if anyone's interested I'm single!

   I avoided the fat little chubby kid with wings carrying a weapon and marking myself safe after The Saint Valentine's Day Massacre.

   Just remembered that it's Halloween and won't be getting any trick-or-treaters this year, which is all good as I might need my fast food condiments to help survive the Coronavirus.

   Looking for meaningless likes and retweets? Post something about candy corn.

   Breast reduction is just another way a woman has to get something off her chest.

   Over the top, over the top, over the top. Stop with the Jan Brady already .

   Whoever said "Rome wasn't built in a day" needed to log out of Facebook.