Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you're eating you can't get crumbs in your bra. Turtleneck con: see above.

   tinder but it’s cats. everyone makes their cat a profile. the swiping doesn’t matter. you just. Look at cats and their interests and then look at MORE CATS

   Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.

   My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he's been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.

   Just because I've forgiven you doesn't mean I won't want to throat punch you the next time I see you. Thought you should know.

   The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

   "I'm so hungry I could eat a-" *walks by burger joint* "nope, had one yesterday" *walks by hot dog stand* "closer" *walks by stable* "HORSE"

   Imagine letting your crush copy your assignment and then she gets a 3 out of 100%. After how long wil you be able to propose to her?

   I love my robotic vacuum cleaner that saves so much time and effort!...as long as I don't have to spend like an hour looking for it under furniture or in corners or wherever it got stuck and died.

   I survived the polar vortex like some kind of post apocalyptic warrior.

   Digital world explained simply. Earlier -First thing in the morning - Toothpaste. Now -First thing in the morning - Copy Paste.

   Don't feel bad if no one talks to you on social media sites as all we could do is type.

   Yeah, I've always heard of it, and the young and old, but the fact is that we have to be awake for a few days ago by the end of the season.

   I've always been a night owl who likes to get up early. See my dilemma?

   Go jump in a lake! No I mean like literally, it's good to do on hot days like this.

   The thing I don't like about Twitter is don't give you enough room to write all your thoughts out and you always end up cutting short every sente

   If you're pausing for dramatic effect.... just keep it going

   What's with all the hearts on Facebook?

   Wonder why I'm such a night owl who who stays up all night?

   Ok guys Halloween is over take off your masks