Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As a New Yorker " aight bet " could mean " I totally agree with you" or possibly your life is in danger

   Sometimes I'm happy, then mad, then hungry and then chatty. So yes, I get it women. Great, now I'm crying.

   Tweets are expanding to 280 characters and now I am looking for someone to write a forward for my soon-to-be-published tweet.

   Where can I go now to get a good vodka, steak and mortgage?

   I'm back when penny candy was a penny years old.

   With all the technology today, how is it possible that the "mullets make you look like a total tool" message has not made it to all people?

   me: my cup runneth over... sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.

   son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip me: I can do it son: My teacher said it has to be an adult

   Boss: I've received complaints about your AA meetings Me: too boring, right? Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop

   me: i’m sad about this thing therapist: but it’s not about that thing me: ok thx here’s $175

   What the person on the street corner approaching me w a pamphlet doesn't understand is I want the world to end

   The cat puked under my bed. Cleanup efforts only made it worse. It's time to renew our commitment to developing alternative sources of cute.

   Nothing says 'neighbours' quite like stealing each others WiFi

   Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.

   Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.

   My brain is a bad influence on me

   “you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door

   What if I told you everything you see on Facebook is me.

   I started out this year with a goal of losing 30 pounds and I only missed it by 35 pounds

   I've only been on Facebook new Dating for like 5 minutes and I've already been matched with a hammock, a new pillow top mattress, a Honda Civic and a... oh wait this is Facebook Marketplace