Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.

   Earthquakes, Tornadoes, Floods, Hurricanes, Tsunamis etc are considered Acts of God. What a nice guy!

   I learned a valuable lesson today. An LED bulb doesn't work in an easy bake oven. I've been cooking this roast chicken for five hours and it's still raw.

   No New Year, No Groundhog, No Valintine, and now no New President. Holidays suck anymore.

   I never let anyone drive me crazy, because I know it's within walking distance!

   If a f#% chic is the equivalent of a b#%! dude. I really need to do something about my weight. I don't want to Roll like that

   BRB.... am I more than you bargained for yea.

   This is our Mahoment!!

   AI photos are like instant mashed potatoes. You can easily tell they're weird, tasteless and nowhere near the real thing.

   Me: [donating my body to Science] Science: [donates my body to Goodwill] Goodwill: [Leaves body on their lawn, with a sign that says "Free..please take!"] 🤷

   If you scan a tribal tattoo at a Walmart price checker, it unlocks a secret a room where homeless men fight to the death for the amusement of Toby Keith.

   Airport

   All men eat ass, they just wating to see if they can do it without you telling anyone... Be patient and keep that crack clean!

   You millenials have it so good --- we could only like 6 songs max and had to carve their names in a rock

   Deja boo - the feeling that you've been afraid of this before.

   Chameleon cashiers give the best change

   I'm already a mess. I just need to add some hot to it.

   Drinking with your significant other is always a fun time so please respect our privacy at this crucial time.

   I liked Avicii's songs especially the ones where he features the guys who sing the entire song

   We are all free to walk our own path. My path is full of my husband’s socks and shoes