Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   NO! I didn't fall on the floor! I attacked it with my wicked ninja skills! Aren't you jealous?

   Now accepting applications for the following limited time opening on 5/14/23 for Single Mothers on Mothers Day: - 12pm-3pm Lunch Slot $300.99 - 4pm-7pm Dinner Slot $500.99 - 9pm-12pm Evening Drinks w/Nightcap Slot $800.69 Military discounts available

   What's on a wife's mind when lecturing her husband: whatever she's lecturing her husband about. What's on a husband's mind when his wife is lecturing him: the scores of the ballgame.

   Y'all don't use paper plates. I'd use a paper pot if I could. F them dishes

   Whenever I feel down, I remember I have a roll of Lifesavers and pineapple is next.

   On average, every person in the world has one testicle.

   Мило плюну в душу, нагло улыбнусь.

   In a thousand or so years, archaeologists are going to dig up tanning beds and think we cooked people as punishment.

   Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing

   Marriage tip: Every once in a while, call your wife by one of your ex-girlfriend's names. This will help her realize that she is not the only woman on the docket, and that you're a really good catch!

   Getting old is tricky. I stepped on a golf ball in the dark and I did some parkour trying not to fall down.

   I asked to 2024's manager today, it was 2021

   I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.

   Last night I had some wine, and whenever I do, I get sad over something. I got sad for all the poor strawberries who heard "Strawberry Preserves" and thought they were safe.🍓

   The Tick Tock clock is ticking.

   a monkey

   I worked out with a dumbell yesterday I FEEL VIGOROUS

   2nd birthday, fun, energetic

   Girlfriend is a slut

   my name jeff