Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you put an even number of socks in the washer but take an odd number out, that's because one of them ran away. And when you see a wet sock in a storm drain, that's one who tried but didn't make it.

   Duck cluck

   If you die and get cremated you can be put into an hourglass and still be included in family game night.

   I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours

   Little people gets paid under the table

   September Alzheimers and Dementia awareness month. Everybody forgets it.

   What came first, Chickens who lay small eggs? Or dishonest egg packaging companies who put small eggs in cartons marked large?

   I've been so busy these last few days that I haven't had any time to study quantum physics. I just can't be everywhere at once.

   The same crowd claiming Kendrick Lamar had an important message, is the same crowd who ignored Martin Luther King Jr's message.

   Weather

   Dman does his father's asshole.

   GaryKoenig even rips off insults. Loser.

   Pit Bulls should be illegal. Period.

   I wonder if they remake The Wizard of Oz, if they'll use that stuff they put in the MyPillow pillows into the Scarecrow.

   Marriage tip: If you need to ask your husband a question, but he's playing video games, simply unplug the wireless router. This will teach him that he needs to listen to you, and keep you as the center of his life.

   Christmas is an illusion. It's based on 2 fairy tales. One features a guy in a red suit, the other in a crummy stable without Netflix.

   It's 'coincidink' you ignorant anal plug.

   So where's our in-house lef+ie been? Ah... in bed with his mommy after she made him some Hot Pockets.

   Hahaha 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I'll take that! Like we can't screw this country up any more than it already is. #garykoenig2028

   I would like to have sex with the first woman I ever had sex with just to show her how much better I am now. I'd be like, "Hell yeah baby, look who doesn't cry during sex anymore!"