Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Officer: Do you know how fast you were going? Me: I kinda feel like that's your job.

   A moment of silence for all the friends I've lost on social media because of the stuff I post.

   I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered

   When the moon hits your eye Like it’s 5:45, That’s November

   Bologna is just hotdog pancakes.

   Murica'. Home Of The Cowards and Land Of The Flaccid lolz

   Judicial coup happening... federal judges going to be impeached. GLORIOUS!

   In honour of Thanksgiving remember to steal stuff and claim it as yours! I stole this post!

   Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? His wife died.

   If I were to illegally download a film in Jamaica, would I be a pirate of the Caribbean??

   California Girls but when you're being microwaved

   Brace yourselves. Here come all the imbeciles to remind us that Veterans Day is for the living and Memorial Day is for the deceased.

   Back in my day we *earned* those rips and tears in our jeans. They didn't come pre-made that way.Back in my day we *earned* those rips and tears in our jeans. They didn't come pre-made that way.

   Today we're laughing at all the Veterans losing their benefits. GLORIOUS!

   got thrown out of a casino last night. apparently I must have completely misunderstood the crap table!

   Sleeping with a plus size woman is like riding a moped. Fun to ride, but you wouldn't want to seen on one.

   Now that someone vandalized my Tesla, I'm voting for Timpon, said no one.

   46% of R*publicans believe Hegseth should resign. 62% of Am*ricans believe the same thing. Because he's a f***ing moron like his boss.

   The TV show 'Hoarders' is ok and all but I liked it so much better when it was called 'Sanford and Son'.

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