Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Eating a bowl of Sour Patch Kids cereal. I added milk & drowned the kids.... I'm a CEREAL killer

   Not living in 'Murica is the greatest. It's like when you drive by the homeless and see them living in tents and think to yourself "Thank Christ that's not me." We feel the same about the States lol

   Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world: holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.

   Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill. Tomorrow my goal is to turn it on.

   I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work.

   Q. Can you name a fisherman's tool and a popular search engine? A. Netanyahu.

   A true friend is someone who knows how crazy you are and is still willing to be seen in public with you.

   If there's a 'z' in the middle of a last name, they're Italian. If there's a 'z' at the end of a last name, they're bean poppers.

   I am only the bigger person in an argument because I am fat, remember that

   If there is no sound in space, is a fart on earth louder than a supernova?

   So you guys all have matching white hoods and viagra subscriptions or what?

   I'm so country I dim my headlights for on coming street lights.

   When the China balloon was flying across the country, the Government should have used planes and jets to send it to the Seattle space needle

   Marriage tip: When your wife is getting angry at you, just put your finger on her lips and say, "shhhhh". She will then consider the consequences of her actions, and calm down. And then she'll go make you a sandwich.

   I'm so dumb, when the bartender said "drinks on the house," I got a ladder.

   Technically, all the money you ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

   Will trade toilet paper for eggs.

   Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

   Have you ever noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone driving faster is a maniac?

   I don't mind drinking 1% milk as long as the other other 99% is some combination of vodka and Kahlua