Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ...wildly disproportionate accountability for trvial transgressions...zero accountability for profound institutional failure...

   How do you spot a nosy pepper? It gets jalapeno business

   Two morons are sitting on a fence. The big one fell off, why didn’t the other? He was a little more on.

   .I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check

   Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.

   What is it with so many of Trump's diehard male supporters, being terrible fathers? John Voight, Elon Musk, Rob Schneider.... What's wrong with you guys? Why are you all such terrible, terrible daddies? Is it because your daddy sucked as well?

   Do you hate it when someone hacks your update because they're smarter than you because you're stupid?

   по сути теперь мы владеем тобой

   I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

   Just had a triple chocolate Belgian waffle with toffee sauce, fudge piece and whipped cream BUT no sprinkles....Dieting is hard !

   Based on my life choices so far, my guardian angel lied on their resume.

   SpaceX’s Starship rocket launched from Texas yesterday, women not familiar with spaceflight can relate. After liftoff it had lots of thrust, got up really fast! Then exploded minutes later.

   I think my neighbor is stalking me. She's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

   Right now, is the first time in human history that anyone anywhere on the planet can use the words "he's a f**king idiot" and everyone else knows exactly who they're talking about.

   Left the back door open at my friend's house and her roomba escaped. Hope he goes on an adventure and cleans the whole world

   I told the bank manager that I wanted to open a joint account. He asked who with? I said, the customer with the most money.

   Well, it's July and almost 100 degrees. Walmart should be putting the Christmas stuff out any day now!

   Do you like real mashed potatoes or the flakes out of the box?

   Do you smell what I smell?

   Baby Shark says, doo, doo, doo, doo