Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Due to lack of punch buggies on the road nowadays the new game is tesla titty twista

   Now I can't find my "Gone in 60 Seconds" DVD. It was here a minute ago.

   Mary had a bearded clam-Her pubes were white as snow-And everywhere that Mary went-She'd give the boys a show.

   Anybody have a good recipe for stuffed rice? 🙃

   27% approval rating! The party is on life support lmao.

   M*G* ....... MAKE AM*RICA GO AWAY Going viral all around the world 👍

   The clocks go back this weekend. Hopefully back to when we could afford groceries.

   Ladies, do you prefer a man who may be physically imperfect but loves you unconditionally? Or do you want a guy who's nothing more than a trophy that is perched atop your fireplace?

   Someone asked me how many lbs do I think I need to lose before I get thin. I told him, "the same number of brain cells you lost to become a complete imbecile."

   I hate when cashiers feel the need to check if my money is real. If I could counterfeit money, I wouldn't be at Dollar Tree.

   My friend is an anesthesiologist at a VA hospital. They are 4 anesthesiologists short of being full-staffed. And, thanks to him, they are under a hiring freeze. So, when your favorite veteran's quadruple bypass surgery gets canceled... oh well. Thank him.

   My wife told me that women are better at multitasking than men. So I asked her to sit down and be quiet. She couldn't do either.

   M*G* MAKE *MERICA GO AWAY Going viral all around the Internet 👍

   Hey. If owls are so smart, how come they don't say, 'whom'?

   Do Priests delivering Mass use their Altar ego ?

   Opening a gym that teaches power walking and door knocking. Gonna call it Jehova’s Fitness.

   Wish me luck guys, I am interviewing tomorrow for a new job at Old McDonald's Farm for the C-I-E-I-O position.

   Working in my DBT workbook that I got from my mental health coach has made me realize how much I truly struggle with my bipolar outburst.. I'm working on it! All I ever want is to be a better me. The work hasn't been easy but now I'm glad I can take a ste

   who decided to call it a “paternity test” instead of a “pop quiz?”

   Whenever I see someone buying a 4-pack of toilet paper for their household, I think to myself, "Jeeziz, what do they do, s#it just once a week?"